Characters Lesson's to survive a fanfic
by angil
Summary: This is completely random, completely mental and makes no sense unless you read my story Bride of Alucard Its a few short lesson's designed for characters in fanfics It's the 'What not to do' Enjoy the insanity and READ THE DISCLAIMER. OOCness, NO PLOT.
1. Lesson 1

DISCLAIMER READ FIRST, EXPLAINS SHIT, SO READ IT

**DISCLAIMER READ FIRST, EXPLAINS SHIT, SO READ IT**

Yes there is a disclaimer for this chapter,

This chapter is not really part of this story Bride of Alucard, so if you haven't read that you will be lost, odds are you'll be lost anyway, but yes it does have all your well loved characters in it but it is something I wrote while on both a sugar and cough syrup high,

Its random, completely AU and makes no sense

Everything but this disclaimer was written on said highs, but now I have just woken up from a shit sleep and crashed not long ago

note that I do not condone fag drags, I do however find the South park episode that I reference funny, in which 'Mrs.' Garrison tries to convince a group of rednecks to do an old fashioned 'fag drag' and the rednecks disagree

If you do not understand the reference you either haven't seen the episode or are extremely uptight

If you don't like South Park because of references like mentioned above, then it's your own problem

The only time fag drags are except able is if you are asked by a gay person to drag them, then you have my permission

I also take no responsibility whatsoever for IQ drops, stupidity, spilt soda, milk or other liquids being spat out your nose, breakfast lost and dropped or hysteria

If you suffer from any of these and wish to blame me, go shove a stick up your arse to help reach your head.

If you don't like my story and feels that it lowers your IQ simply from reading, don't complain to me, the answer is simple. DON'T FUCKING READ IT

I also wish to add that if you do like it and are happy when you feel your IQ drop then the answer is simple

PUT A DOLLAR IN THE BOXAH

(South park reference)

If you do not wish to but said dollar in said box, then review

Either is good

Now read if you want and if you don't then fuck off

Everybody clear on this?

No?

Good

Additional notes.

Angil: the person who is doing the talking or action

-Words- the action being made

word the emotions

**BEGIN**

Ella: "Wow, that was long and you were harsh man"

Angil: -shrugs- "I did what had to be done"

Ella: -blinks- "You're in a strange mood"

Angil: -shrugs again-

Red: -runs in- "COME ON EVERYONE, LETS HAVE US AN OLD FASHIONED FAG DRAG"

Ella: -mouth drops open- "RED!"

Angil: -Sighs and shakes head- "Let me guess, South Park"

Red: disappointed "Fag drag"

Angil: -closes eyes- "No"

Red: -pouts- "Fag drag"

Angil: -opens eyes- "NO"

Red: "But, but"

Angil: -glares- "NO, AND IF YOU DON'T STOP SAYING THAT MISTER I WILL SEND YOU TO YOUR ROOM"

Red: -bottom lip trembles-

Ella: -glares at Angil- "Did you have to be so mean"

Red: -whispers- "Fag drag"

Angil: -lights smoke- "That's it mister, GO TO YOUR ROOM"

Red: -mouth drops open in horror-

Angil: -glares- "NOW"

Red: sobs "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU" cries -runs up the stairs and slams door-

-Music begins to play loudly-

-Integra walks in and looks up the stairs-

Integra: "Alucard?"

Angil: -nods- "South park again"

Integra -sighs and shakes head- "Light"

Angil: -blinks- "What?"

Integra: -sticks cigar in mouth- "Light"

Angil: -glares and lights cigar- "You owe me for that"

-Sarah runs in naked-

Sarah: -dancing- "WHOO, NAKED PARTY"

Integra: -to Angil- "Now we're even"

Ella: -shakes cage-

-Angil and Integra look up at ceiling where Ella is locked in a cage-

Ella: -glares- "HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN"

Angil: -grins round smoke- "The magic of television"

Ella: -glares harder- "we're not on television numb nuts"

Angil: -raises eyebrow and mutters- "Numb nuts?"

-Ella looks down and finds herself turned into an sea cow-

Integra: -sighs- "why haven't you done that earlier?"

Angil: -shrugs-

Sarah: -still dancing naked around the room, oblivious to the fact that everything's AU-

-Integra and Angil take a drag on their tobacco products-

Angil: "Yep"

Integra: "Yep"

-Ella makes whatever noise sea cow makes-

-Alucard can be heard sobbing upstairs-

**LESSON 1: Never mess with the author**


	2. Lesson 2

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-Sarah was still dancing naked around the room oblivious-

-Anderson arrives-

Anderson: -grins- "Why hello there Author, lovely to finally meet you"

Angil: -glares- "Stop trying to freak me out"

Anderson: -blinks- "but I'm good now"

Angil: -snorts- "people still hate you for what you did to Alucard"

Anderson: -lower lip trembles- "but"

-Sarah bashes into him stopping what he was about to say-

Sarah: -smiles like an idiot- "MR. ANDERSON"

Anderson: -glares- "PUT SOME CLOTHES ON YOU PROTESTANT WHORE"

Angil: -flicks lint off her shoulder- "I wouldn't say any more if I was you Anderson"

Integra: -lights cigar and Angil's smoke- "Let him dig his own grave"

Sarah: -looks at Anderson with puss in boots eyes- "Mr. Anderson?"

Anderson: -looks at grinning Angil and Integra-

Sarah: -hugs Anderson- "I KNEW YOU DIDN'T HATE ME"

Anderson: -pushes Sarah off- "DON'T TOUCH ME YOU NAKED SWINE"

Sarah: cries

-Angil and Integra smile at each other-

Anderson: -still glaring at naked, crying Sarah-

-ENTER RAVEN06-

Raven06: "ANDERSON!!"

Anderson: -looks up- "What, but you... and her" -points to Sarah-

Angil: -brushes at imaginary lint- "Don't you ever pay attention Anderson"  
Integra: -grins- "Raven06 is the reason Sarah was created, Sarah is Raven06"

Anderson: -gulps-

Raven06: -screams- "TIME TO DIE ANDERSON"

Anderson: -squeals like a girl-

Raven06: -chases after Anderson with giant stick- "COME BACK HERE"

-Raven06 starts beating the shit out of Anderson-

Anderson: sobs "Author, you're Catholic so help a priest"

Angil: -grins- "Sorry Anderson, I'm Easter and Christmas only, and since its neither..."

Anderson: sobs "Integra?"

Integra: "Who's the whore now Anderson"

Raven06: -whacks Anderson with giant stick- "WHO'S MY BITCH?"

Anderson: crying "I DON'T KNOW"

Raven06: -whacks him harder- "WRONG ANSWER, WHO'S MY BITCH"

Anderson: sobs "Me??"

Raven06 -keeps whacking him- "THATS RIGHT, YOU'RE MY BITCH, SAY MY NAME BITCH"

Anderson sobbing "Raven06"

Raven06 -Breaks giant stick and Angil hands her a giant baseball bat- "Thanks Angil" -turns back to Anderson- "LOUDER BITCH"

Anderson screaming "RAVEN06"

Raven06: "AND WHO ARE YOU?"

Anderson: "I'M YOUR BITCH"

Raven06: -keeps whacking the shit out of him- "PUT IT TOGETHER AND TELL THE WORLD"

Anderson sobbing "I'M RAVEN06'S LITTLE BITCH"

Raven06: "AGAIN"

Angil - to Integra- "Want to see how Red's doing in his sulk or stay and watch this?"

Anderson screaming "I AM ALEXANDER ANDERSON AND I AM RAVEN06'S LITTLE BITTY BITCH"

Integra: "Let's go watch the giant vampires sulk, I have a feeling this will be going on for a while"

-Angil and Integra wave goodbye to Raven06-

-Raven06 waves back and lets Sarah whack the shit out of Anderson-

**-Upstairs-**

-Integra and Angil enter Alucards room, which due to the magic of me is now upstairs-

Red: -pouts-

Integra: -still smoking her now never ending cigar- "Alucard, really, pouting?" -Raises eyebrow-

Red: -glares at Angil, then blinks in surprise and turns off music- "Is that Anderson screaming he's a little bitch?"

Angil: -grins- "He insulted Sarah"

Red: -blinks in surprise- "So what is Ella doing to him?"

-Integra and Angil look at each other in alarm-

Red: -glares- "What?"

Angil: -clears throat- "Ella might not be doing anything for a while"

Red: -looks alarmed- "WHY NOT?"

Angil: -scratches head sheepishly- "I mighta, sorta, kinda, maybe, sorta did leave her locked in a cage as a sea cow"

Red: -looks horrified-

Integra: -jumps to Angil's defense- "It's easy to do"

Red: -glares at them both- "SO CHANGE HER BACK"

Angil: -lets out awkward laugh- "I sorta, kinda, maybe, really can't do"

Red: -screams hysterically- "WHY NOT?"

Angil: -glares-

Integra: -looks wary- "Um Alucard remember lesson one"

Red: -glares- "TELL ME AUTHOR"

Angil: -glares harder- "CAUSE NOW I DON'T WANT TO"

Red: -pulls out guns-

Angil: -magically pulls out her own guns-

Integra: -looks from one to the other- "Let's watch TV"

-Turns on TV-

Integra: "Look its Bleach"

Angil: "Oh, I love that show"

Red: -glares- "BLEACH SUCKS"

-Angil and Integra step away from Alucard and the door-

Red: "WHO'S ATTACKING ANDERSON?"

Angil: -looks warily at the door- "Raven06"

Red: -glares- "THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AND WHY ARE YOU STARING AT THE DOOR?"

Integra: "We're waiting for you to die"

Red: -blinks in confusion- "What?"

Angil: "QUICK, say you love Bleach"

Red: -glares- "IF YOU LIKE IT THEN I HATE IT"

-Enter SweetYuya and WannaBeNinja-

SweetYuya: -screams and jumps on Red- "MUST DIE NOW"

WannaBeNinja: -pushes Red over- "YOU HAVE SAID THE ULTIMATE EVIL THING AND NOW SHALL SUFFER"

Red: -looks around- "THIS IS ALL WRONG"

SweetYuya: -slams Red's head repeatedly into the ground- "THE EVIL ONE MUST SUFFER, FOR BLEACH"

WannaBeNinja: -cuts off Red's toes and laughs evilly- "TIME TO COOK YOUR TOES"

Red: -screams- "MAKE IT STOP"

Angil: -looks at Integra- "Well, this is strange"

Integra: -shrugs- "It comes from your twisted mind"

Angil: -blinks- "Huh, guess you're right"

WannaBeNinja: -roasts Alucards toes-

SweetYuya: -punching Alucard in the face-

Red: Sobs "Yuya, I gave you a lap dance"

SweetYuya: -continues punching- "YOU INSULTED BLEACH, THAT OVERRULES LAP DANCES"

WannaBeNinja: -starts kicking him in the balls- "FOR BLEACH"

SweetYuya: -still punching him in the face- "FOR BLEACH"

-Anderson can be heard screaming- "I AM RAVEN06'S AND SARAH'S LITTLE BITCH"

-Integra and Angil settle down and watch Bleach-

**Lesson: Never mess with the authors friends and fans**

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	3. Lesson 3 and 4

Angil: You know as the all powerful author I can make you do anything

.

**Thanks to **WannaBeNinja **yay first.**

SweetYuya **Aww, after her master**

Dark-Flame-Girl **–Bows low-**

AiryAquarianAlchemist **Whoo, yes we Aussie OC's do rock lol**

**And**

irishsoul –**Bows again-**

Angil: You know as the all powerful author I can make you do anything

Red: -_looks wary_- "Like what?"

Angil: "Hmm" -_thinks it over_- "I'VE GOT IT"

Red: "Hmm?" -_Looks down_- "AHHH, I'M NAKED"

Angil: "MWAHAHAHAHA AND STAY THAT WAY"

Red: -_glares_- "What is this, some perverted fantasy?"

Angil: -_thinks_- "No if it was my perverted fantasy then Kakashi would be here, so would L from death note and Sven from black cat"

-_Kakashi, L and Sven magically appear in room_-

Angil: -_claps hands_- "Yay it is a perverted fantasy"

Yuya: -_runs in with camera_- "Where's Bya?"

WannaBe: -_walks in with camcorder_- "Where's Kenny"

Angil: -_sighs_- "Fine"

-_Bya and Kenny magically appear_-

Yuya: -_claps hands and takes photos_- "What about Renji?"

Angil: -_facepalms_- "Anyone else?"

WannaBe: "You got an hour?"

Angil: -_glares_- "No more"

Yuya: -_bottom lip trembles_- "But... but?"

Angil: -_sighs_- "No more, K?"

Yuya: -_nods slowly_- "K"

Angil: -_crash tackles into Kakashi_- "Will you let me have your babies?"

Kakashi: -_sweatdrops_- "Help me"

-_Might Guy runs in_-

Guy: "KAKASHI"

-_Angil, Yuya, WannaBe and Integra scream_-

Angil: -_blinks-_ "Integra? When did you get here?"

Integra_: -shrugs-_ "this is your twisted mind, remember"

Guy: _-gives scary thumbs up and teeth twinkle-_ "Ladies, look deep into my eyes and accept my sincere apology, also notice my handsome manly features"

Angil: -_shoves Yuya in front of her_- "I'm scared"

Yuya: -_shoves WannaBe in front of her_- "Don't worry, good master will know what to do"

WannaBe: "That's right" -_Shoves Integra in front of her_-

Integra: -_sighs-_ "Alucard? Do it"

Red: _-grins_- "Yes my master, as you wish"

_-Guy's head explodes-_

_-Angil, Yuya and WannaBe gape-_

Angil: _-glares at Red_- "How could you? Sure he was scary at times, but dammit, he's a favourite"

Yuya: -_sobs_- "He was the Kakashi stand in for entertainment"

WannaBe: -_nods_- "Not in looks, but when Kakashi wasn't there, Guy stood in for laughs"

Red: -_shrugs-_ "Master wished it"

Angil: -_glares at Integra_- "How could you?"

Integra: -_lights cigar_- "Easy"

Angil: -_points-_ "You'd better not touch any of the others"

Integra: -_nods_- "You invited them, right?"

Angil: -_nods slowly_- "And?"

Integra: -_points to Guys body_- "You didn't invite him, therefore he is fair game"

Angil: -_gapes_- "How?"

Integra: -_clears throat_- "Look down"

**LESSON NUMBER 3**

**Stay in your own fic unless invited by author**

Angil: -_sobs_- "He was a good man"

Yuya: -_nods_- "A great ninja"

WannaBe: -_sighs_- "A snappy dresser"

_-crickets chirp-_

Kakashi: -_bows head_- "A great friend and rival"

Angil: -_crash tackles into Kakashi only to have him turn into log, looks around and spots clones, crashes into every clone; they all turn into logs-_

Yuya: -_blinks-_ "Is there a lumberyard nearby that they get all this wood from?"

Angil: _-gives up glomping Kakashi and stands next to Yuya and WannaBe_- "Why him?"

Yuya: -_nods-_ "I bet you wish it was Orochimaru"

Angil: -_nods and sobs_- "Why? Why? Why wasn't it Orochimaru?"

-_door creaks open-_

Orochimaru: "Hello everybody, look who's come to the party and it seems I've been invited"

Angil_: -sighs_- "Crap"

Orochimaru: -_looks at Guy's corpse_- "Oh dear, don't tell me the Leaf's Noble Gentleman came uninvited, tsk, tsk, tsk"

WannaBe: -_glares_- "Angil?"

Angil: -_nods_- "Oh yeah. Red?"

Red: -_grins_- "Time to play?"

Angil: -_shakes head_- "No play because you killed Guy"

Red_: -sighs and lifts arm-_

_-Orochimaru's head blows off-_

Angil: -_grins_- "Lesson 4 baby"

**LESSON NUMBER 4**

**If you are a bad guy or just plain piss off the author,  
Don't accept invitations,  
Stay in your own fic, It's safer.**


End file.
